HOW TO KEEP A MARRIAGE FROM FALLING APART

“A strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak. “-Ashley Willis

I’ve been married for three years now to my husband who was my boyfriend of three years then. I was twenty-five and he was twenty-seven when we tied the knot on the fourth of July. We’re both young but ready. It was a decision we embraced to commit since day one. Indeed, a wedding takes only a day, but it is marriage that is for a lifetime.

A lot of people would say I am mature for my age, and I agree. I think sensibly and get along well with others older than me. I like talking to different people in all walks of life. I won’t get bored listening to stories about life, love, passion, dreams, and goals. I admire a lot of successful individuals who made it far from humble beginnings. I look up to people who are determined to climb up the ladder without hurting others on their way up. I advocate woman empowerment. I believe in the capacity of women to keep a marriage. I believe in doing everything right for family’s sake. With these I came up to a list of ways to keep a marriage strong and healthy. It’s a collection of learnings I got from reading books and talking to married couples.

Keep In-laws away 

I listed it first not per personal experience but per observation to a thousand members of a mommy support group. Most of them have something to say about their in-laws (mother in-laws in general). They find it hard to get along well with their husband’s mother. Why? Because they feel their in-laws are too involved with their lives as married couples. The husband seeks advice to the mother with almost everything and the mother willingly oblige to extend help even up to the point of invalidating the wife’s decision-making capacity. And it hurts to the wife because the husband is supposed to be married to her and not to his mother. Blessed are those (like me, I got a very wonderful mother in-law) who got themselves supportive in-laws, but we cannot deny the fact that there are those who feel trapped in a marriage where the husband is not yet weaned from his mother. Keep in-laws away as much as possible. Leave and cleave. The Hebrews word used in Genesis 2:24 says that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” What does it mean? Leaving does not mean completely ignoring your parents but acknowledging the fact that you already have a new family which should be your greater priority than the previous family. When you cleave, it does not mean that you always must be with your spouse but rather recognizing that the two of you are joined as one.

Prioritize spouse

Marriage is not selfish. It’s not self-centered. You must give priority to your spouse. In everything that you do or decide, consider your other half. It’s not ignoring your needs but rather complementing each other’s necessities. Again, do not invalidate your spouse’s capacity to help you out in making decisions for the family.

Talk often and listen more

One of the things that I learned in our marriage is to talk often with each other. Don’t be too caught up with life and work that talking in the house becomes less. Random talks are great and refreshing. Just a simple “how’s your day?” can start up a long conversation over a cup of coffee or a bottle of beer. Listening is also one of the things that I strive hard to learn for my husband. I am a very dominant alpha-female. I was raised to be strong and independent. My husband is so-so. I talked a lot, but I heard him less. Little did I know, there was that point in our marriage that he felt I was demeaning him just because of the tone of voice I used and the way I stared at him. It took him much drinking of beer before he exploded and told me his pains and his battles that I took for granted. I married a broken man only to break him even more. So, wives, listen to your husbands and understand them.

Show affection

Do not be shy to initiate showing your language of love. The stages of courting do not end in marriage. Marriage should be an extension of being boyfriend and girlfriend. There are different ways to show love. You can try these out:

·         Spend quality time together

·         Use kind and comforting words

·         Do a chore for your spouse like cleaning the house, doing laundry, washing the car

·         Say thank you or express gratitude

·         Say I love you often

·         Say sorry when wronged

·         Go out on a date

Practice Honesty

I always have a thing for honesty. It’s one of the principles I hold in life. Be honest. Do not keep a secret from your spouse that you know will hurt him once it comes out and his the last one to know. Many will not agree with me because there are things we want to keep for ourselves. However, when it’s something that you know your spouse should get knowledgeable of, don’t by any means keep him in the dark. You must build a trust system in your family. A broken trust is like a termite slowly pestering your household.

Do not broadcast marital problems

In this modern time when Facebook and other social media apps are dominating the communication platform, it’s still not good to broadcast marital issues. There are things you can share online and there are things you should keep within the family. If you broadcast your problems with your spouse and say ill words to him, when the war between you is over, you might not be able to change the perception of others about you and your partner. This is not only application to social media apps but as well to your previous families and relatives. Protect your family. Try to solve the problem as a married couple. If the problem aggravates, seek help from pastors, councilors, or to trusted people you know can help you both.

Marriage is tough but it’s also wonderful. Grow old and happy with your spouse. When times are rough, go back to the reasons you had when you decided to get married. Go back to the time when it’s still sweet and wonderful. Always go back to your vows. May the Lord continue to bless your marriage, power Nanays!

Xoxo,

Beverly